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my_own_hubris's journal
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this will actually happen. this is real. this is not a crazy idea. this is real. this is a plan. saving starts now. this is a plan. |
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so i'm moving in December. I'm super excited to live in cambridge and right near work. I'm relly sad to be leaving the house and Keith. I'm gonna miss my buddy so much. I've gotten so mentally prepared to move, and really excited about meeting new people and being closer to work and stuff that i never really thought that i wouldn't see keith so much and i forgot that he doesn't really visit people. Now I'm pretty devastated. I guess I just thought that with how quickly he made plans for Johnny to move in, that he was ok with it and that he had it all worked out. But after talking to him tonight, i'm super sad. I thought that he was ok with Michael now and that if he was going to get rid of him he'd be gone by now...oops. :( I've gotten so excited about this new place, but I don't want to lose a friend, especially not a Keith friend. also, i'm going to lunch with my boss tomorrow, here's hoping they aren't getting rid of me... :( today started so exciting and happy and now i just want to go to bed and cry. blarghhhh
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This weekend was necessary. party on friday was fun. hanging out with my mom saturday was beyond necessary. Oktoberfest today was lots of fun. the bike ride tomorrow will be fantastic. also, i think i found a church. |
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ahhhhh this week is looking up. Keith and i hung out last night. he made the best stir fry i've ever had and we watched frisky dingo. I needed a night just to chill and have fun. we hung out like we used to before i moved in. leaving a very messy living room of empty beer bottles and the remnants of a delicious dinner and excessive snacks. We avoided michael like we used to and really it was just a fantastic night. We talked for a while too, and that was totally necessary. I take back what i said before about wanting to keep trying with someone i can't let go of. Keith's right. he's an ass. I've become addicted to "Since You Asked" on Salon.com and today I came across this article, it reaffirmed everything Keith and I talked about last night. ( minus the whole boyfriend thing, the answer is spot on ) This is true, I need to stay angry. He betrayed my friendship in the worst possible way and i not only let him get away with it, i went and attempted to start a relationship with him? what? Do I have that little self respect that i am willing to over look that? Have I fooled myself so thoroughly into believing that it didn't actually happen and he seriously didn't react that way that i am OK with this? I am a better woman than this. I am a better woman than he deserves. I am too smart for this. maybe I should have just let keith go... I wouldn't be in this situation right now if i had just said "ok buddy, do what you have to!" instead of defending this kid and letting him hurt me again. Life's too short to deal with shitty men. I'll be less careful with my heart with someone who deserves it more. This one's proven to me time and time again that he is a backstabbing and malicious bastard. and i am just too good for someone like that. **also, weezer is tonight and i cannot wait!!!**
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today was awful. terrible. awkward. strange. i love my family. i miss my papa. everything just feels wrong. |
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my papa passed away tonight. i'm devastated, out of tears and lonely. no one's even hugged me yet. i desperately need a big hug and to know i'm not completely alone. |
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i love my new job everyone is so nice and the company is fabulous to work for. we shall see. |
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feed the conflict. make it complicated. make it love. that's as close as I can get to telling the truth |
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i'm going home tonight rather than tomorrow. i need my check from suffolk desperately and i need to calm down. I also need a real meal and to not piss off my friends. and a cigarette. need one of those too. angry jess |
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depressed
cynical